Coyote Story

Coyote Photo Downloaded from Wild Nature Images

Coyote Is A False Shaman

One fine day in early summer Coyote was playing games with his cousins Bobcat and Puma. Mostly they were playing "Shoot the Arrow Through the Moving Hoop" and Ma'atose was losing badly. He was losing so much in fact that he was getting low on smoking tobacco. He had lost so much silver that Puma, who was a very good shot was joking about using some of the silver he had won off Coyote to make arrowheads. Coyote kept trying to cheat, and Bobcat kept catching him. Finally, Coyote pretended to make a mistake throwing the hoop and broke it apart. Puma was very mad about this and was about to kick Coyote's sorry ass good for a while.

Lucky for Ma'atose he was saved by three visitors. Cornstalk and MonsterSlayer the twin sons of Spider Woman were coming up the hillside with Kokopelli the trader and flute player.

Monster Slayer spoke first and said "Coyote we need your special gifts right now. The Men of the People are being very stupid. They have decided to go make war on the farmers of the Papago. I'm very mad because they are taking weapons I gave them to help them hunt and are using them to make war. This isn't right or good."

Cornstalk said "To make things worse they are going to attack well before the crops are ready to eat. They'll only make trouble for everybody and ruin the whole harvest. The Papago are growing special beans and squash together this time. They're doing that because I have shown them special favor. If the Apache ruin this crop it might be years before other people learn how to do this system of planting and a lot of people from all the nations will starve to death without any good reason."

Kokopelli said "Their women tried to talk them out of this stupid thing. So did I. I told them that they should take this time of year to hunt the forest right above the Papago fields. It's full of deer, elk, and rabbits who are gathering to try and eat free off the Papago's hard work. If they go to war right now, they risk making the Apache Gods, the Hopi Gods, the Dineh Gods and the Papago Gods very angry. They need to learn that there might be times for war, but that it's always bad for trade and other business."

Coyote knew he would help out, but he pretended to think for a long time. Finally he said "If I help you what will you give me?"

Kokopelli said "I will teach your daughters to play the flute."
Cornstalk said "I will give you enough tobacco to last another year."
Monster Slayer said "I will give you a bow strong enough to bring down a buffalo bull."

Coyote didn't say anything, he just waited to see if they would try to give him anything else. They didn't offer to give up anything more so he just said "Alright, I'll do this. But you need to get my cousins Bobcat and Puma to help me out."

Once all the different deals were made with all the different people Coyote, Bobcat, and Puma all went off together. Coyote was riding his talking horse Cho'osh (gonorrhea), because he needed a horse with him that could be in on the plan. Bobcat and Puma rode other horses who didn't have any magic about them. They just kept up is all.

When they got to the hills just above where the Apache were camped Coyote told Bobcat, Puma, and Cho'osh what his plan was and what each of them should do to make it work. They all agreed that it was a very good plan. Puma had a question though.

He asked Coyote "Your horse is the smartest, fastest, and toughest horse I've ever seen. Why did you name him after a sex disease?"

Coyote said "Because he runs so rough it makes my dick hurt."

Bobcat and Puma began to get their part of the scheme ready while Coyote and Cho'osh rode down into the Apache camp.

When he got to the camp Coyote told the War Chief to gather all of his men together. Then he had one of the camp boys take Cho'osh over to where the other horses were kept. Once all the men were gathered together Coyote stood up in front of them. He had changed into some very strange clothes. He had gotten a bunch of different branches and stuck them into his turban, he had feathers from a bunch of different birds fastened all over his arms. He had painted his face in many bright colors. He looked very stange, and sort of scary. He used a high and trembling voice to speak to the men, it sounded like he was talking from a far away distance. He said:

"You men of the White Mountains are about to do something very, very foolish. You are not understanding the Law of the Opposites! You are about to make a war raid because you think that you are being smart. That is stupid."

One of the men said "Our women told us not to go on this raid. They are the stupid heads."

Coyote yelled real loud "Silence human dummy being! I have come to you on orders of the Gods themselves! (this part was the only true thing Coyote was planning to say all night, sometimes to make a good enough lie to fool people you have to put a tiny, little, bitty, touch of truth into the soup) They have sent me to show you the proper ceremony and dances to be done before you go to war. If you go to war without them you might all be killed and your raid will not be successful."

Then, Coyote started to sing his war song. It wasn't the best song he had ever done because he was making it all up right there.

"I am singing my war song
Because I am about to go to war
My enemies will be afraid of me
Because I am a scary guy

I am scary because I am sneaky
I am scary because I am clever
I am scary because
I don't listen to nobody
Not no how
Not no way

I am Scary Warrior Coyote
Be afraid of me
Because I'm scary and stuff"

Coyote began to whoop and shout through his song again while he was dancing around. Some of the men noticed that everytime he went through the song the words were coming out a little different. A few of them began to wonder about this new ceremony they were supposed to learn. How would they be able to do it over again if the words were always different?

One of the men spoke up again and said "You keep changing the words to the song. How are we supposed to learn it well enough to sing the ceremony?"

Coyote gave him his angriest, scariest scowl and in a growling deep voice said "Do you doubt me? I will show you my power now!" He took an eagle bone whistle from under his turban and blew on it one time very loud.

That was the signal for Bobcat to go. Bobcat and Puma had been lighting big signal fires up in the hills above the camp. They had shielded them with blankets so that they couldn't be seen. When Coyote blew his whistle Bobcat took down the blanket that hid the northern fire. He ran off licketysplit to the next fire. Coyote then blew twice on the whistle which was the signal for Puma to do the same thing with the southern signal fire. Coyote blew his whistle three times and Bobcat showed them the fire he had built in the west. Coyote blew four times and Puma exposed the signal fire in the east.

Coyote looked out over the men and said "I can start these fires with the breath from my whistle. You don't want me to get angry and set the whole forest on fire do you?"

The men all told the one who had asked the question to pipe down and quit making trouble. Coyote told them they should send that man home because he was obviously a coward and a troublemaker who would spoil their whole war with his smart alecky questions and his silly peace dreams. The man being sent home started to head off for where the horses were kept and Coyote hollered at him "Horses are only for great and brave warriors. Cowards need to walk home alone."

Even though the man felt embarrassed to be sent home like this and shamed in front of everybody, deep down inside him he was truly glad. He had thought from the beginning that this was all a bad idea that was going to cause a whole bunch of trouble. Instead of arguing or trying to talk sense to the men who were all worked up for war he just put his head down and started to walk home.

Coyote then began to teach the men a dance for war. Just like the song he was making it all up right there. He was having a grand old time with it. He'd make the men hop on one leg for a while, then he'd make them hop on the other leg. He'd make them jump up high in the air and then lay down real quick and roll around in the dirt.

When he saw that Bobcat and Puma were there for the next part of the plan he shouted at the men. "Look! There are my cousins Puma and Bobcat! They have come to help you make war with their powerful magic! Take off all your clothes and give them to Cousin Bobcat. He will do his secret spell on them and when you get them right back they will be able to turn away arrows and clubs and stones. Take off your moccasins and give them to Cousin Puma, he will do his secret spell and when you get them right back they will be magicked up so that you will be able to run fast all day long without getting tired. Bring your war clubs and long spears up to me and I will charm them with my secret magic spell so that when I give them right back to you everything you hit with them will die right then and there. I almost feel sorry for those stupid bean farmer Papago. This won't be a fight at all. It will be a kiiiiiiiiiillllllllllliiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnngggggg tiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmeeeeee!"

Coyote was working himself up into a lather. He was spitting all over the place when he talked. Now he just started to howl "Kiilllinnngg Timmmmmeeee! Killlinnnggg Timmmmmee!"

The men started taking off all their clothes and all their moccasins just like Coyote told them to do. They were starting to howl just like Coyote while they did this. They all brought all their heavy weapons up and made a great big pile of them up in the front of the dancing circle.

Bobcat and Puma took all the clothes and all the moccasins off to where Cho'osh was with the men's horses. Cho'osh had gotten all the horses ready to travel. The horses were glad to be leaving because men who are all worked up to go to war mostly ride too hard and too fast to have any good times on the trail or even stop to let horses eat and drink enough to be happy. Puma and Bobcat got them all loaded up with what the men had given them. Then they went through the men's camp and took down all their shelters, all their food and all their spare clothes. The only things they left them were their light bows and arrows and their skinning knives.

They had just finished when they heard Coyote's next signal. They took all the horses with them to where Coyote was.

Coyote had been having the men smoke biiwol ishgliini (marijuana) leaves and singing just now made up songs in very loud voices. The men didn't even wonder why all their horses were with Bobcat and Puma when they came riding up. Coyote told them that he had to take their weapons off to do his secret magic spell in private and that all the men should keep smoking and dancing and singing for a little bit longer until he came right back.

The men said "Anything you say Scary Warrior Coyote! We'll do just like we're told so that we can be Scary Warrior Men."

Bobcat, Puma, and Coyote loaded all the men's weapons up on their horses and they took off like a flash. Coyote had to stuff his hand all the way down his throat to keep from laughing out loud and ruining everything. Even so, he was shaking so hard that Cho'osh had to jump like a kangaroo rat to stay underneath him and not let him fall right off.

They were about half of the way back to the main Apache village when they came upon the man that Coyote had told the others to send home as a coward. Coyote told the man that he didn't really think that he was a coward at all, quite the opposite in fact. He gave the man the name of "Wise Question Asker" and told him that he should be the chief of the people from now on.

When they got to the Apache village all the women and elders came out to meet them. Coyote, Bobcat, and Puma gave the women all the men's heavy weapons and the grandmothers took them away to a kiva. The grandmothers set a guard up on the kiva and vowed that if the men ever wanted to go to war again they would have to get their weapons from the grandmothers by convincing them that there wasn't any alternative to fighting. Wise Question Asker said this was a good thing and it is still the custom among the Apache to this very day. The women threw a big feast and singing dance for the three almost like a god animals, Coyote, Bobcat, and Puma. Everybody had a great time and the honored guests were taken off into lodges one right after another. By the time the feast and dancing was over each of them had been with every one of the Apache women at least one time.

At about dawn the next morning when the people and their guests were waking up from the long party they found Cornstalk and Kokopelli there in the camp. Cornstalk told the women that most of them were going to have babies from being with Coyote, Bobcat and Puma. The babies that were born from this would all be much smarter than before. Some of them would have golden eyes just like Puma, some would have green eyes like Bobcat, some of them would be clever happy babies, just like Coyote.

Kokopelli told the women that because Coyote had stolen all the men's clothes and all their supplies they were having to do nothing but hunt like wolves so that they could make new clothes and have enough to eat. He told them that the Papago had seen the forest outside their lands being full of Apaches busy hunting and that the Papago were very happy to have them there because the Apache were keeping the animals that would try to eat the crops hunted down. There was going to be a very big harvest with plenty of food to go around. Kokopelli said that he was going to go to the men now and show them how to trade with the Papago for other things that they might need.

One of the women told Cornstalk that the way things had worked out was exactly what she and the other women had tried to tell the men should be done. Cornstalk talked with Wise Question Asker for a long time and when they were finished they named the woman Blue Cornstalk Woman and made her the Peace Chief of the Apache.

Coyote was getting good and bored with all this. He told everybody that he was going to go off into the Dragoon mountains and see if the Chiricauhua had any stuff to gamble with.

As he rode off on Cho'osh the people heard him laughing out loud while he sang

"I am singing my war song
Because I am about to go to war
My enemies will be afraid of me
Because I am a scary guy

I am scary because I am sneaky
I am scary because I am clever
I am scary because
I don't listen to nobody
Not no how
Not no way

I am Scary Warrior Coyote
Be afraid of me
Because I'm scary and stuff"

The passes all the way down to Chiricauhua lands rang with Coyote's song and his laughter. It was a good summer, full of prosperity and big, feasting parties with people from every nation.